You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
