we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My ass is underappreciated
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
