She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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