When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You ruined the universe
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
