Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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