So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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