So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
