I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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