I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
