hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My ATM looks so different sober.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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