Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize