I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
