There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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