I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
