I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
