All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
