Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
