I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
