every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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