Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
