i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize