theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
