Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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