I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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