Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
