You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
