I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
