i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
