On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
