all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
