he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
