i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
