He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
