I don't usually arrange sex via text message
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
