Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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