I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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