Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
