her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
