My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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