how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
