im drinking this country out of the recession.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
