seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
