Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
