dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
