P.S. I can't hear my feet
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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