I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
