I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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