Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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