Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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