hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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