I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
