I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
