I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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