Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize