Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
