meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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