I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
