im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
