Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize